Hanging Up the Heels

I've been thinking long and hard these last few months about whether or not I want to continue to compete.  I was originally planning on competing at the OCB Presidential Cup in DC in August, but I don't really feel like it anymore.  I know that sounds childish, but competing should be 100% personal; the drive should be internal, not external.  Maybe it is all of the major, major life changes that I've experienced since January that have made me re-think things, or maybe it's that I've been doing this for 3 years now and am over it: whatever the case may be, I simply don't feel like dieting, spraying myself with tanner, and donning my stripper heels to walk across a stage for 10 seconds.  Some may call me a quitter, and that's fine; I don't think I'm "quitting" anything.  Let's not forget that this isn't a "real" sport.  That's actually part of why I'm losing interest in competing.  It's not real.  Nothing about this sport is REAL.  The majority of the people I encounter are fake, superficial, and extremely narcissistic, contests seem to be rigged, people shoot drugs into their asses to get an advantage........I simply don't have time for that.  We all work hard and train hard to get to the stage, so why be a fake, cheating bitch?  Last year at the OCB show, some girl made it her mission to look me up and down backstage at least 20 times.  I wanted to ask her what her problem was, but I ultimately decided that she wasn't worth my time.  I just don't like to be surrounded by that kind of negativity.  In REAL sports, people encourage, support, and motivate.  That's not what I see in the physique industry.  There are a few exceptions to the rule, and I've made some excellent girlfriends through competing.  So, don't get me wrong - there are good people in this industry.  But I'm exhausted at seeing Facebook posts about chicken and friggin asparagus, how much cardio people are doing, and how someone is eating chicken out of a bag in the airport.  Live your friggin' lives, people, because I tell you what: competing is NOT real life.  And I'm tired of the same people being rewarded simply because they're managed by a particular group or train with particular people (who promote drug use and sleeping with judges).  It's high school bullshit.

The other reason I've decided to not compete is because I want to live my life.  I haven't celebrated my birthday in 3 years because I've always been dieting for a show.  I want friggin' birthday cake this year.  AND..........this is a milestone birthday for me - the big 3-0; I want some cake, goddamnit!  I'm in a great place with what I'm eating, with what my body looks like (I really don't believe in having an "off season" and an "on season" wardrobe, folks - you shouldn't be gaining that much weight!), and with how I'm training, and I just don't want to mess with that.  My boyfriend is super active and I love working out with him - we have such a good time.  I've been playing around more in the gym, doing more CrossFit style workouts, and not really being strict with my programs.  And I tell you what: I feel SUPER athletic these days.  I feel stronger, more powerful, more agile, and more flexible than I have in years.  I'm so relaxed and so at ease with everything, and the mere thought of hoovering dry chicken and cold sweet potatoes into my pie hole makes me cry inside. I want to be an athlete above all else, and I always have.  I got into competing because I was bored and didn't have an outlet for my competitive energy.  If I get into CrossFit more, and Tough Mudders/Rugged Maniacs (which I plan to), that void will be filled.  I just don't feel the need to compete anymore.

Lastly, this shit takes a toll on your body.  It ages you prematurely and it's exhausting.  Even though I always prep sanely (ie minimal cardio and lots of food), it still wears on me.  I hate feeling exhausted, fatigued, and I despise feeling hungry all the time.  I'm a food-lover (hence the name of the blog), so starving myself and being hungry 24/7 is so counter-intuitive to me.  I want to play in the kitchen, I want to eat at great restaurants, I want to be able to go on vacation and shove my face full of alcoholic beverages and ice cream if I so choose.  I want to be ME and to live my life as a happy, healthy, athletic woman.  I don't want to be some starving, dried up old hag who is desperately trying to hang with the youngins.  No es bueno. 

So, it looks like 2012 will come and go without me competing, and that is juuuuuuuuuuust fine.  In 2013, I will be looking to get my badass on at CrossFit Durham a little more (I like using it as my cardio a couple times a week - that shit is fun), and I'll also be looking into getting my dirty on at some mud runs.  Because, let's be honest: BP + mud + exercising go together like Kim Kardashian and Apple Bottom Jeans.  Goodbye stripper heels, helloooooooooo dirt.